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Why We Give—Creating Real Gratitude and Appreciation
You know that to give is a virtuous
act, so why does generosity often leave you feeling that you’re
taken advantage of and underappreciated? Such an attitude of victimization
can become a large burden, however, you have the ability to take
charge of this behavior and transform it into natural and authentic
generosity—the kind that will inspire the gratitude and appreciation
you deserve. So, why choose to wear your victim hat? Instead, empower
yourself with pure and honest giving.
Exhausted again, you’ve
spent another week at work taking on extra responsibilities—always
the one to take that late call as others head home. You’re
disappointed when no stream of praise from your co-workers or boss
follows. At home, you prepare an elaborate meal, but your family
hurries through dinner without acknowledgement. Then, you give up
your weekend camping trip to spend Saturday helping a friend move
into a new apartment, and she fails to show the gratitude and appreciation
you expected. Doesn’t anyone see how hard you’re
working? Wouldn’t it be nice if someone did something
for you for a change? You feel diminished, as if your time and effort
aren’t worth as much as anyone else’s. Your response
is likely something like this: "No one truly appreciates me.
I do so much for everyone, and get nothing in return." You
feel burdened and drained, as if you’re constantly emptying
your personal resources with no chance of replenishment. If this
sounds familiar, you may also find that the pattern continues—a
sense of obligation drives you to run yourself ragged in service
to others; the word "no" seems to be missing from your vocabulary.
Why do you keep this behavior
up? You may hope that the beneficiaries of your kindness will start
giving positive feedback, a sense of acknowledgement. Some display
of gratitude would let you know that your efforts are appreciated,
that you are valued. However, what you are actually missing is an
understanding of the empowerment and growth you gain through giving
itself. (Terribly significant rewards, aren’t they?) Without
this recognition, you’ll continue to feel victimized by your
generosity and quest for appreciation when generosity’s true
nature is to elevate you.
For this reason, beware the
martyr mentality because it will only unbalance you as you consistently
give away your own power to nurture yourself and others. By looking
for the extrinsic reward of doing things for others—for that
constant what would we do without you response to you efforts—you
lose the capacity to receive appreciation. This is an unfortunate
end since there is such richness in the act of giving itself. If
you fail to make this discovery, the thank yous and pats
on the back you are offered hardly seem rewarding if you notice
them at all. Think about it: can you actually recall the most recent
thank you that you received? Were you honestly receptive to its
value? Now recall a past display of appreciation that you truly
valued. Was its reward in the actual thank you or in knowing
that you had offered someone something truly meaningful? If your
answer is the latter, you’ll realize that you didn’t
actually require the external display of gratitude to experience
appreciation—it was there at the moment of your generosity.
Make it a regular practice
to evaluate why you give—whether it’s your
time, physical effort, or material gifts. Consider, for example,
the last time you participated in a volunteer or charitable activity:
what prompted your participation? Did you do so out of a sense of
duty? Did you expect direct and immediate appreciation? Perhaps
you feel inadequate and undeserving of appreciation when you aren’t
actively giving? Or, were you moved by a certain cause and felt
compelled from your heart to offer help? Once you’ve made
a giving act for which this last statement rings true, you’ve
discovered the intrinsic reward of just being who we are and acting
out of authentic generosity. In other words, we maintain our center
and can access its great resources of love and generosity—invigorating
and potent forces.
In order to achieve this
attitude, how do we recognize authentic generosity? Consider this
attitude: give because you choose to out of natural and
authentic generosity and without expectation of return. Thus, this
giving act is done freely; you maintain control over your actions
and reward rather than relying on another’s response. Learn
to say yes or no with love and appreciation. Accept that you don’t
have to do it all—but do the things that are inspired
by pure desire. You’ll discover a true sense of reward by
becoming more in touch with the joy your giving actions bring to
others. Appreciation then comes in the act of giving itself.
Appreciate your ability to give and to brighten and aid the
lives around you—after all, giving does increase appreciation,
and the associated joy will inspire even more generosity. The rewards
continue to grow and to multiply. Rather than emptying or running
yourself down, you become enriched with each offering and cease
to crave superficial recognition. To ensure that your acts are motivated
by love rather than a desire for acknowledgement, examine what drives
your generosity. If you learn that the act of giving itself will
bring the greatest reward, then go forward with your generosity.
On the other hand, if you find that you are after recognition, take
the time to find an authentic way to give that will bring intrinsic
fulfillment.
So, lose your victim hat
for good and don’t spend another day waiting for others to
show you appreciation! Once you experience true and authentic giving,
you’ll liberate yourself from your need for outer validation
and will be filled with your own self-generated appreciation—a
liberation that will free you to experience the great love that
lies in pure generosity. It’s far more powerful and enduring
than any thank you you’ll ever receive.
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