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Learning The Language Of Feelings
An undeveloped ability to communicate feelings
is to blame for many undesirable behaviors in parent–child
relationships, as well as a child’s interaction with friends
and classmates. Problems such as bullying behavior, control issues,
verbal and emotional abuse, and dishonesty in relationship matters
can all be blamed on difficulty in communicating feelings. But once
the problem is identified, there is a solution—make the language
of emotions as common in your household as your native tongue. There
is a learning process, but once you recognize the special vocabulary
of feelings, you will discover a path to resolution, truth, and
growth.
While visiting the village of my
father’s birthplace in Greece, I often felt frustrated because
I didn’t have command of the Greek language to communicate
feelings. While living in his home and attempting to become more
fluent in his native tongue and way of life, my heart had opened.
I had so many profound thoughts and feelings to share with my Greek
family; however, they were accompanied with exasperation and exhaustion
from not knowing the language or how to string the words together
fluently. Mastering the language to communicate feelings can present
the same frustrations. When exposed at an early age, it is natural
and effortless to learn a second language. As we age, it can become
a more challenging process. Any age is appropriate for learning
the second language of feelings because it is essential to our individual
and collective growth. As I observe the distressing events in personal
lives and society, many of them by today's youth, I realize that
the adage that our feelings should be kept to ourselves no longer
applies. I wonder about the feelings behind many of the acts and
bullying behavior. What is being expressed through these actions
rather than through communicating feelings? Just imagine what feelings
are acting as a pilot light behind the flame of bullying behavior,
prejudice, control issues, dishonesty in relationship problems,
murder, divorce, verbal and emotional abuse, anger, alcohol and
substance abuse, or theft. What if the underlying feelings in every
action were effectively verbalized, rather than stifled until they
were acted on inappropriately?
Many
disastrous choices can be attributed to a general lack of knowledge
about the foreign language of feelings. How we each act on our feelings
is a personal choice, but the frustration of not knowing the words
to identify feelings, nor the ability to string them together and
communicate them well becomes a control issue and can result in
unnecessary explosive and self-defeating behaviors and unhappiness.
War, addiction, negativity, disease, and violence are just a few of
the potential outcomes of our hidden feelings. These are results
of the negative programming of subconscious beliefs that are initiated
during the early years of life. Examples of such beliefs are:
- I’m not good enough for the A-team.
- It’s not safe to express my feelings.
- The world is a scary place.
- What I have to say isn’t important.
- I can numb my sadness with drugs.
A key to unlocking destructive and hidden mindsets
is communication. I had a young female client who was challenged
with meeting her father’s high expectations. As the adult
child of divorced parents, she recognized that she was deprived
of her choice when they imposed their selection in her summertime
and other activities. As a result of feeling as if she had no control
in her life, she chose to act out through self-mutilation by cutting
herself, a direct infliction of pain. When asked how she would like
her father to ideally respond, she said, "[As] understanding,
patient, accepting, allowing, open-minded, trusting, compassionate."
She added, "Most of all, I wish he would just listen to me.
I’d be such a different person if he weren’t so controlling.
The more he tries to push me down, the more I resist." In
her maturity, she reasoned that maybe he was controlled as a child,
and that it’s sad that he has never shared his heart with
her or allowed himself to be vulnerable. And he didn’t know
how to stop bullying his family.
Feelings communication may sound like a simple
solution, and that’s because it is! How many of us communicate
how we truly feel? How many children are taught the basic principles
of feelings communication in school? How many adults feel confident
communicating with this kind of clarity? If we look at the state
of the world, the answer becomes obvious—too few. However,
it is never too late. We can begin right now.
If we want to give our children tools that will benefit them for
the rest of their lives and protect them from verbal and emotional
abuse, let’s give them the skills and encouragement to communicate
their feelings. Following are a few easy-to-implement steps to get
the process started:
Openly discuss how you feel with your children.
If you're upset, talk about that feeling. If you're experiencing
happiness, share it!
Encourage children to talk about how they are
feeling from an early age. Is your child acting out and exhibiting
bullying behavior? Chances are he is trying in the only way he knows
how to communicate his feelings. Most likely, she doesn’t have
the reservoir of feelings vocabulary to share the truth of her heart.
Recognize misbehavior as an inability to communicate in a more effective
way and your child will stop bullying now.
Teach children a feelings vocabulary, and encourage them to use
it throughout life. Often in talking with children, they will convey
frustration in not knowing what they feel or how to say it. One
suggestion is to talk about different words that convey feelings.
When your child is angry, encourage exploration of the feeling.
Talk about what triggered the anger. Examine the possibility that
it might also be frustration, fear, irritation, or even sadness.
If it is anger, that’s okay too. The important thing is to
talk about the feeling and discover ways to cope with it if it is
causing problems in his or her life. Also consider a way for
both you and your child to remember that despite these difficult
feelings, the root of your relationship is love for each other.
This positive awareness will motivate your commitment to learning
the language of feelings and make the process more joyful.
These are just a few
methods to learn the language of communicating feelings. Having
successfully learned this language and put it into practice, we'll
begin to see our children and ourselves behave more openly, more
ethically, more personally accountable, and more capable of realizing
dreams and goals. The benefits are clear and once learned, these
skills will become a second language that will help us feel at home
wherever we travel.
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