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Are You Starving For Love?
It is natural for human beings
to crave nurturing. When an infant cries out for the breast or the
bottle, she is instantly soothed upon its arrival. A sick child
most likely will heal more readily if Mom is there to put a hand
on his head or feed him her homemade soup. Even as adults, we reach
out for those who give us the most security and the most reassurance
in our times of need.
Nurturing occurs on many levels.
We usually think of a mother cradling her baby, but the idea can
be quite expansive. It may be our parents, our spouses, or even
our friends providing the nurturing role. In many cases, our pets
have been a phenomenal source of nurturing. In the end however,
we must provide that love for ourselves. After all, relationships
can fail and our expectations aren't met when we are in moments of
need. Eventually, the child in each of us must leave the nest and
make it for ourselves. Ideally, we’ve been given the skills
of self-nurturing to take with us.
Considering our inherent need for
nurturing, it is not so strange that a craving for love and a craving
for food have parallels. After all, food is one of the basics of
survival. It is the most basic form of nurturing! When we are well
fed, groomed, and rested, we feel nurtured. When we feel nurtured,
we feel loved.
What happens when we don’t
find the nurturing we’re looking for? What do you do when
a boyfriend dumps you, or your friends seem to have higher priorities
than you and your life, or you just didn’t happen to get the
lovey-dovey parents you deserved in the pre-birth lottery? Have
you ever said, "Over eating makes me feel guilty," or
felt shame when you’ve over eaten, or purposely abstained
from eating? Eating disorder statistics indicate that many people
embark on a cycle of choices resulting in guilt and shame when they
don’t feel loved. All people are alike in that way; we all
seek to discover the feeling of love. When we can’t find that
feeling, we create beliefs about ourselves such as: "I’m
not loveable."; "There must be something wrong with
me."; "Nobody will ever love me."; "I’m
not good enough."; "I’m not attractive enough.";
"I’m fat and ugly." Among these beliefs are many,
many others. When these beliefs take hold, and they do, they manifest
in many self-sabotaging ways, including eating disorders. Some may
react by "over-nurturing" through eating binges then
to maintain a thin and "loveable" self-image. To
reduce the guilt for eating so much, they purge. Others might choose
to starve themselves as a method of self-punishment and to have
control over his/her body, or even to receive attention! Attention
that results from self-destructive behavior is often better than
no attention at all. Bulimia, anorexia, or obesity stem from a constant
cycle of shame, embarrassment, guilt, distorted self-image, and
ultimately, a craving, not for food or a better body, but for love.
There are ways to feel nurtured
besides eating a gallon of ice cream or becoming anorexic. To have
weight loss success, relationship success, success with your self-image,
or success at all, we must first make the choice to take responsibility
for our current situation and overall life. While we may need the
assistance of others to bring the circumstance(s) back into harmony,
the ultimate responsibility for our personal happiness is our own.
Blaming "outsiders" for not giving us want we want(ed)
only pushes us further down the self-destructive cycle. We can learn
constructive ways to cope, and discover the love we each deserve.
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