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When Your Child Feels Alone
Guidelines for what to do when
your child feels alone are as important as any parental instruction.
At some time or another, all kids feel lonely. But by really listening
to kids talking about their feelings and finding the causes of those
sentiments, you can give your children a magic wand for happiness.
The magic lies in letting them know that they are worthy and deserving
of friendship—a gift that will make your kids’ biggest
dreams come true.
The impact of loneliness for a
child can easily be underestimated. It’s common to be distracted
by parental responsibilities like providing shelter, nutritious
food, and warm clothing and lose sight of what’s really upsetting
our children. If you attentively listen to kids talking about their
feelings, you may be surprised to learn just how many kids feel
lonely. And parents may be shocked to learn the extent to which
their behavior sustains and adds to a child’s sense of isolation.
Take the example of a seven-year-old
girl, Christa, who when asked to draw a picture of disappointment,
offers an image of a friend throwing snow in her face and states
that, "True friends don’t do that. I’m going to
find a new true friend." The story illustrates a major cause
of a childhood sense of loneliness—expectation of friendship.
Our young friend is clearly versed in the good characteristics to
seek in a companion, but her expectation of friends doesn’t
allow for the ups and downs that come with being human. Teach your
child that isolated incidents of poor behavior don’t make
a bad person and that there are outside influences impacting that
behavior that she is not responsible for. Christa needs to realize
that despite the disappointing action, she is still deserving of
friendship. An alternative answer to a child’s friend causing
disappointment could be to explain that it’s okay to be upset,
but you must understand that this friend still cares for you and
one incident doesn’t determine a friendship’s fate.
The same formula for kids and disappointment
exists at home. Kids may complain that, "Dad is frustrated
and Mom yells a lot," or, "My dad is on the computer
all the time. Dad works too much." Also familiar is, "When
Mom is grouchy she ignores me." The kids feel lonely in this
environment of grown-up stress that they can’t understand.
At the same time, adults are caught up in their responsibilities
and unaware of how much their actions and reactions are causing
their child to feel isolated. In such situations, the child may
then misbehave, likely as bid for attention, and be consequently
punished. Carefully evaluate punishment and kids. While bad behavior
must be addressed, consider that original cause and make your response
appropriate and constructive.
If a child acts out due to loneliness,
will punishment make her more lonely and prone to repeat her undesirable
actions? Our young subject tells us, "When I get punished
I’m not allowed stories—not even reading by myself."
Christa is placed in a situation where she is will experience more
loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. She needs to understand why
her parents couldn’t give her needed attention at that particular
moment and that she wasn’t the cause of their original bad
mood. Systematic punishment will only reinforce her feelings of
insignificance.
Another common factor in childhood
loneliness is sibling interaction. When siblings are mean to each
other, the resulting insecurity carries over to other social interactions.
When our young friend is asked what she’d wish for if she
had a magic wand for happiness, she replies, "For my sisters
to be nice to me." And many kids’ biggest dreams do
concern love and acceptance from their immediate family members.
Family is after all their primary peer group, so beliefs formed
here will dictate the course of other social interactions. Christa
then reveals more of her beliefs about friendship when she offers,
"If I tell something nice to them, and maybe they’d
be nice back." She sees kindness as based on reciprocity.
This belief that is a good social fundamental to a degree, but is
also an ideal that can lead to disappointment when not realized.
Again, she is making herself responsible for the behavior of others.
And, just as her friend’s snowball assault and her parents’
inattentiveness weren’t her fault, neither is her sisters’
mean behavior.
True, all parties need to be more
aware of how their actions impact their friend, daughter, and sister,
but the most powerful solution lies in giving Christa the tools
to feel good about herself and know that she is absolutely worthy
of true friends, caring parents, and loving sisters. Throughout
your children’s lives they will not be able to control the
actions of others, but they can control how they feel about themselves.
That positive self-esteem will bring "true friends"
on the present-day playground and for the rest of their lives.
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