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The Truth Behind a Child's Rage
Rage in a child as displayed
by aggressive behavior, hitting, and tantrums, is always an issue
deserving of serious attention. While parents may fear mental disorders
such as ADD or bipolar disorder and seek the help of a therapist,
consider that much of the solution lies in developing your listening
skills and enhancing parent-child communication. Master an approach
to dealing with your child’s anger that offers resolution
as well as the building blocks for fulfilling emotional growth for
both your child and you.
"No. You’re not the
boss of me!" Mary yells as she throws a plate across the room,
shattering it and spraying scrambled eggs throughout the kitchen.
Mary’s mother reaches to pick up the plate, while speaking
in soothing tones to her child, "Throwing things isn’t
nice, Mary. Good little girls don’t do that." During
this tantrum, Mary has added to her foundational belief system in
parent–child communication and its relationship to life, physically,
mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
- "I’m mad and no one has asked me why, or seems concerned."
- "I can’t communicate with my mother."
- "I must have the proper behavior of "good"
little girls. Aggressive behavior is only reserved for boys."
- "If I feel rage or frustration, I must not be good."
- "If I’m not good, I’m not loveable."
- "I don’t know how do to it differently."
- "Someone else will clean up after my tantrums."
So goes the life script
of Mary. Children, like adults feel frustrated and angry. Without
the proper tools to communicate their feelings, they behave in rash
ways, just as adults do. Without direct attention to the reasons
for their anger and positive ways to handle such emotion, a child
will risk developing emotional and behavioral disorders or grow
to be an angry adult. Look around—the juvenile halls and prisons
are filled with them. Every time the back door of a prison in the
United States opens to release a prisoner, the front door opens
to let in a new offender. Where will it end?
Do you have an angry child? One
who exhibits frequent tantrums and violent acts like hitting others?
Labels and diagnoses may include ADD, ADHD, and bipolar disorder.
But regardless of the problem’s label, the essential ingredient
to soothing that savage beast is learning to communicate with your
child about your feelings and teaching your child to communicate
hers before those feelings escalate to hostility and before false
beliefs form about the child’s value in your life and the
world. Your adult listening skills are the foundation of the solution.
Let’s roll back the above scenario…What could Mary’s
mother have done besides categorize her child’s behavior in
a belief that "good" girls don’t throw things,
and before picking up the mess? Here’s a start:
- Stop the child right then by looking her directly in the eye
and verbally refocusing her anger to the real issue. "I
see that you are angry, Mary. We need to talk about this and discover
why." Don’t believe a four year-old child is too young
to redirect or that she wouldn’t understand you. Kids learn
how to manipulate circumstances to get what they want much earlier
than age four; what they want is generally attention. If you look
her directly in the eye and talk with her, she has achieved her
real goal and learned that direct communication is the most effective
way to do so.
- Don’t attempt to discuss the behavior with the child
while she is still caught in the emotion of the moment.
- Once settled, learn to listen to your child’s feelings.
If they can’t communicate the exact feelings, help them
by suggesting how they might find out what they are feeling. This
is an ongoing process for children and adults. We often don’t
know what we’re feeling and we need to take time to explore
it. Kids will frequently give you an immediate answer, but it’s
likely not the real issue. Be patient—let them talk it out.
- Never imply your child is not "good" because she
has made a poor choice in handling her feelings. Instead, give
the child new methods to handle frustration. If they are not ready
to talk about their feelings, no matter what their age, encourage
them to spend some time alone—not as punishment, but to
think about what is really bothering them.
- Explain to the child that there are more effective ways to
get what they want and violent behavior, such as throwing dishes,
isn’t one of them.
- Insist the child take responsibility for cleaning up the mess.
When you step in and clean up the damages, you give the message
that you will solve their problems and take responsibility for
any damage they cause in life. Children need to learn early that
you love and support them, but they are responsible for the outcome
of their actions.
- Forgive and forget. Once the issue is resolved, move on. Don’t
bring it up again. Let your child demonstrate new methods of communicating
without the rage, and never remind them of past behavior—it’s
over.
- Make communication of feelings and listening to your child a
part of your everyday life.
Choose to make a giant
step in resolving your child’s rage with the guidance of a
personal session with Alexandra Delis-Abrams, The Attitude Doc.
Alexandra will show you that your love and ability to listen to
your angry child is far more powerful than tantrums and loss of
control. She will give you the tools for an enduring, successful,
and mutually fulfilling relationship with your child. Click
for more private session information.
We all experience anger, even rage.
Anger is a natural feeling, but rage is not. You can replace dramatizing
the anger with feelings words, when you have the vocabulary. The
stress in life at any age, without the skills to smooth it out can
have catastrophic results. Become a source of guidance and trust
in your child’s life by instilling the beliefs and tools necessary
for a life of happiness. Leave out the beliefs that can harm them
for years to come. Kindly but firmly take control of the circumstances,
establishing boundaries for behavior without blame. Consider that
circumstances in life always serve as a mirror reflecting back important
lessons to each of us along the way. You and your child will grow
together and make discoveries that will enhance every aspect of
your lives. |
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