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How to Get Him to Commit
When children are taught they
can’t be trusted, and live with the absence of natural human
touch and emotional love, their total perception of normalcy becomes
distorted, as does their ability to commit to lasting, loving relationships.
Trusting a child to make quality decisions gives him or her basic
tools for life. Without trust or emotional love, false beliefs become
firmly rooted and the result is human suffering. We can learn how
to release our beliefs that self sabotage and experience a life
more balanced, grounded, and whole. So, if your man won’t
commit, there are likely reasons why, and ways to encourage him
to change his life forever.
A recent client came to my office expressing
the belief that he doesn’t find love safe for him. Single,
with a license plate from one state, a mailbox in another and residency
in yet a third state, he worked hard to maintain his independence.
His life had become all about risk taking, and he took his adventures
to the limits—alone. In spite of all the freedom, he was miserable.
Like most of us, the keys to the
pain and suffering were buried in his past. His early life consisted
of constant dramatic change, a father he didn’t like, hadn’t
connected with and likely feared, fears of failing to do things
right, and a clear fear of commitment, suggesting life is less painful
if pursued alone. As a child he received continual messages his
parents didn’t trust him and he wasn’t capable of making
choices on his own. Most of his relationships lasted one to two
years, ending right where the commitment would have started; he
thrived on extreme and independent sports, and hadn’t participated
in team sports since he was a child because he felt team sports
were a painful experience.
He had suffered from car accidents,
boating accidents, and falls from climbing. Why the escape into
freedom pursuits when it too can be painful? He learned early that
his love wasn’t valued. In a home with minimal demonstration
of physical or verbal love, his feelings of unworthiness and abnormality
were deeply rooted. Having heard he couldn’t make his own
decisions became a belief he has carried throughout his adult life,
and if he couldn’t make quality decisions, he surely didn’t
feel capable of choosing his own partner. Besides, his early perceptions
of love had left him wounded and afraid to reach out for love, believing
love to be a painful trap. Having convinced himself he didn’t
need love, and that to love would indicate weakness, he kept his
feelings alive through physical action. Escaping into extreme sports
and risk-taking behavior allowed him to feel.
Messages we receive as children become the overcoat of our future.
When we are denied loving human contact or verbal praise and acknowledgement,
when we don’t bond with one or both parents, and when we are
given messages and cues that we aren’t normal or worthy of
love, we believe it! In time, our beliefs will be reflected back
to us in the form of human suffering and agony. If we are suffering,
it is our responsibility and our right to discover and release the
source of that suffering.
Regardless of our history, we can be free of our painful past
and begin living in the ecstasy of life right now. Once mature,
it is our choice to believe what we have been told as children,
and our choice to redesign our belief structure by eliminating self-sabotaging
and hurtful beliefs that aren’t serving us. The Attitude Doc
invites you to read Attitudes,
Beliefs and Choices, where you’ll explore the dimensions
of your beliefs and subsequent choices, learning how to embrace
your positive potential and true nature.
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