When children are taught they can’t be trusted, and live with the absence of natural human touch and emotional love, their total perception of normalcy becomes distorted, as does their ability to commit to lasting, loving relationships. Trusting a child to make quality decisions gives him or her basic tools for life. Without trust or emotional love, false beliefs become firmly rooted and the result is human suffering. We can learn how to release our beliefs that self sabotage and experience a life more balanced, grounded, and whole. So, if your man won’t commit, there are likely reasons why, and ways to encourage him to change his life forever.

A recent client came to my office expressing the belief that he doesn’t find love safe for him. Single, with a license plate from one state, a mailbox in another and residency in yet a third state, he worked hard to maintain his independence. His life had become all about risk taking, and he took his adventures to the limits—alone. In spite of all the freedom, he was miserable.

Like most of us, the keys to the pain and suffering were buried in his past. His early life consisted of constant dramatic change, a father he didn’t like, hadn’t connected with and likely feared, fears of failing to do things right, and a clear fear of commitment, suggesting life is less painful if pursued alone. As a child he received continual messages his parents didn’t trust him and he wasn’t capable of making choices on his own. Most of his relationships lasted one to two years, ending right where the commitment would have started; he thrived on extreme and independent sports, and hadn’t participated in team sports since he was a child because he felt team sports were a painful experience.

He had suffered from car accidents, boating accidents, and falls from climbing. Why the escape into freedom pursuits when it too can be painful? He learned early that his love wasn’t valued. In a home with minimal demonstration of physical or verbal love, his feelings of unworthiness and abnormality were deeply rooted. Having heard he couldn’t make his own decisions became a belief he has carried throughout his adult life, and if he couldn’t make quality decisions, he surely didn’t feel capable of choosing his own partner. Besides, his early perceptions of love had left him wounded and afraid to reach out for love, believing love to be a painful trap. Having convinced himself he didn’t need love, and that to love would indicate weakness, he kept his feelings alive through physical action. Escaping into extreme sports and risk-taking behavior allowed him to feel.

Messages we receive as children become the overcoat of our future. When we are denied loving human contact or verbal praise and acknowledgement, when we don’t bond with one or both parents, and when we are given messages and cues that we aren’t normal or worthy of love, we believe it! In time, our beliefs will be reflected back to us in the form of human suffering and agony. If we are suffering, it is our responsibility and our right to discover and release the source of that suffering.

Regardless of our history, we can be free of our painful past and begin living in the ecstasy of life right now. Once mature, it is our choice to believe what we have been told as children, and our choice to redesign our belief structure by eliminating self-sabotaging and hurtful beliefs that aren’t serving us. The Attitude Doc invites you to read Attitudes, Beliefs and Choices, where you’ll explore the dimensions of your beliefs and subsequent choices, learning how to embrace your positive potential and true nature.

Article courtesy of Alexandra Delis-Abrams, aka The Attitude Doc.
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