The Attitude Doc- Senior Dating & Vibrancy Articles


No one wants to feel like she’s begging for a ring on her finger, but it can feel that way when you’ve dated a man who has professed his undying devotion, but still fails to ask for your hand in marriage. What’s up with that?

There can be a number of problems, but let’s consider the worst to the best case scenarios. If you feel you know this man well, and he has disclosed his innermost to you, the hold up might be that while he loves you, he really does not envision marriage as part of his future. Have you asked him if he is interested in marriage? Interestingly, we often wake up in circumstances we do not understand and do not desire because we failed to ask the right questions. While I hope it isn’t the case for you, there is always a possibility that marriage will not be forthcoming in your current relationship and it is time to move on to more likely prospects.

But, what if the two of you have discussed marriage, and all else under the sun, and the question still isn’t popping as you’d planned? Finding the solution will mean helping him to acknowledge his fears because fear is at the crux of most failed relationships.

  • Ask yourself how well you really know each other. What do you have in common and where in your relationship might you experience a divide as wide as the Continental? Often, there is one area in a relationship that holds one party at a distance from commitment. For example: do you come from similar backgrounds? Many of us are intimidated by our partner’s family and lifestyle. Could he feel uncomfortable about melding his life with yours? Maybe the love of your life doesn’t feel good enough to marry you or maybe he feels his family will never accept yours. Either way, it can prevent a marriage from happening and you need to know that now.
  • Are you scaring the heck out of him with your expectations for a glamorous wedding? What kind of a ceremony does he envision—a church, a garden, or on top of a mountain? How do you see your wedding? Do your visions match?
  • How traditional are your views about marriage? If you are traditional in every way but think your husband-to-be or his family should pay for the wedding, is it standing in his way of commitment? Maybe he fears he can’t meet your expectations and continually comes up with an excuse to delay the day or the proposal.
  • Where are you going on your honeymoon or are you going on one at all? If your dream is a week in the sun and his is going through ancient digs, even this seemingly small detail could be hanging him up.

If you really want this man in your life and are ready to hear the magic words, take the time to know his innermost concerns. No matter what the hold up, it stems from a communication failure and that failure is generally a result of fear. He likely adores you, but something is thwarting his ability to ask you for a lifetime commitment. Until you help him talk about it, the only knot likely to be tied will be the ones in your stomach from the long wait to get him to the alter.

Once you pinpoint the fear, you can take action to work your miracles of compassion and understanding and help him build up the confidence to say “I do.” Will you?